The Top Three Advent Calendar Apps For Grown Ups On iPhone and Android.

It’s December. The kids are opening their advent calendars and as you smile through gritted teeth as your child gets excited about opening a door to reveal a bell or something, you really wish your other half had bought you one; a festive extravaganza of slightly stale chocolate farmyard animals or whatever it is. Well, they didn’t. BUT you don’t have to miss out – here are three very hilarious audio advent calendar apps that I have opened all the doors on like an over indulgent 6 year old.

The Broken Britain Christmas Advent Calender.
A hilarious, topical and sometimes very rude joke every day highlighting the third world that is Great Britain at the moment and a soundboard of hilarity at the end of December. But just you wait til Christmas Day – oh boy are you in for a treat!

Download it on iPhone and on Android

Peter Dickson’s 12 Days of Christmas.
If you don’t know who Peter Dickson is by now you must be a mental. He says things on telly. You know, that bloke with the voice… Yes him – “PLEASE WELCOME DERMOT O’LEARY!!!” Well he has made a very funny advent calendar that will have you in stitches, particularly if you like that show, what’s it called? X Factor? Download it on iPhone and on Android

Neg’s Appy Christmas.
Talking of being a mental, Neg Dupree is one of those. You’ve probably seen him guesting on shows doing outrageous things like knocking on people’s doors and insisting that they had been knocking on his door for as long as he possibly can. Or seeing how long he can get away with smoking in a non-smoking restaurant for. The guy’s brilliant. Well, guess what, he has an advent calendar too! Who’d have thunk it..? Download it on iPhone and on Android

 

What You Can Do To Protest Against The News of the World

I have seen pockets of cynicism surrounding people tweeting in outrage at the recent revelations surrounding News International. “I suspect if this was France we would be storming the NOTW and smashing the windows in. Here a mildly outraged tweet is the response,” was one that agitated me slightly. A physical protest is still very much a possibility but in this day and age you can have more impact from your front room than you can waving a sign in London with a bunch of mates, or indeed “smashing windows in.” I have read a Guardian article touching on a few methods and obvious actions but there is a multitude of ways that you can act. Key is to influence the readership. Boycotting is all well and good but those that are calling for action on this point are not readers and neither are their friends; do the dedicated readers disregard it all as political nonsense anyway? People are often preaching to the already converted, you need to get creative to get your message to the right people. So here are some of the best examples that I have come across to date on how you can act…

Boycott.
Needless to say the strongest action that can be taken is to boycott the paper – but you being here would imply that you’re already not huge fans. An even stronger message will be sent out if you boycott News International in full – here is a list of everything that they own: click here.

Contact Advertisers and Stockists Via Email, Letter and Phone.
Above the Government and the media, it is the people that have the power. They wouldn’t be where they are without us. Phone the communications department at WHSmiths, write to Sainsbury’s, email Waitrose – they all peddle this newspaper – would the profit on this paper be worth alienating the public?! No. And the first stockist to stand up and say we no longer want to be associated with this paper will undoubtedly stand out as brave and noble – priceless marketing – tell them so!

Sign Petitions.
Look up growing campaigners Avaaz and 38 Degrees they are always campaigning against the BSkyB takeover and are often running petitions for good causes against moves of power that have us all dumfounded. Sign their petitions and follow them on social media. Petitions do have a great impact.

Ask Your Local Businesses to Stop Buying The Papers.
Your local hotels, B&Bs, cafes and greasy spoons will all stock up on Sunday papers – do they buy the News of the World or indeed other News International papers in the week? A friendly word with the Manager may make him think twice about being seen to perpetuate this kind of “news.”

Ask Your Local News Agent Or Shop To Reconsider Stocking The Paper.
If enough people mention it to the same shop keeper and if he or she hasn’t already considered it, it must have sway.

Pressure From Inside.
Do you work in a shop that sells it? Even in the big chains, a word with your Manager and insistence that it be passed on further up the chain will add to the multitude of voices and consciences nagging at the people who make these kinds of decisions.

Twitter.
Tweet Using Hashtags
Hashtags like #NOTW will be picked up by those reading the thoughts of people who have used that hashtag, so if you don’t have many followers use a tag to get it read and possibly perpetuated my more people.

Tweet Those That Advertise in and Stock The Papers.
It carries weight. It seems folly but the more bombarded they get the more they have to take note. Don’t just retweet other messages though or even copy others tweets as your own – write something from you as being inundated with the same message will feel like they are being targeted by a campaign rather than real, individual customers.

Using Facebook
Twitter has its uses but people fall into circles of like-minded people on there – Facebook is where your best efforts could be made in influencing others when it comes to social media. We will all have people who read the paper and buy into News International on a grand scale in our friends lists and these people may regard your calls to boycott as a nuisance and boring, political nonsense. They may even hide you if you bang on about it. Humour is a fantastic way to get through to all your friends. No-one wants to feel like a tosser for buying News of the World so some sharp wit may make them feel like one if they were to purchase it. Twitter’s Twop Twips have been tweeting some gold recently so why not copy the following into your status and put egg on the face of the paper and those that purchase it…

Avoid unnecessary embarrassment this Sunday by asking your newsagent to hide your NOTW inside a copy of Razzle. Via SGFMann

When lining a litter tray with newspaper be careful or you might accidentally get some News Of The World on the cat shit. Via SBlackwell

Like Appropriate Facebook Pages.
Every time you like a page ie Bringing Down News of the World or Boycott News International it sends a signal to your friends about how you feel – some may follow suit. Interacting with the pages also shows up in your feed. You may also pick up useful tips on how best to channel your frustrations and should there be a call to protest, you’ll be in the know immediately.

Get Creative.
Video, humour, music, art – these are things that transcend through your bubble and out into the bigger community and that is what needs to happen. A News of the World reader may not be interested in a satirical blog or a news article but a song may capture their imaginations. Remember, preaching to the converted is a waste of time – you need to gently sway the readership.

Protest.
This may be necessary but thankfully it looks like this whole sorry affair is finally beginning to be taken very seriously indeed by all political parties, the responsible press, the BBC and the police. But should it not go the way it needs to, people may have to mobilise in a peaceful stand against what is happening.

Interfere With The Papers In The Shops.
It’s not illegal. Put a couple of other less-appealing papers on top of the NOTW stack by accident. Or why not print these off and pop them on top of the pile this Sunday – might make those people who were close to not buying the paper think again!

Right then. I’m spent. Any i’ve forgotten stick in the comments or visit this Facebook campaign and message us there: click here.

But do something!!!

If I should suddenly disappear – remember there is massive a criminal organisation at large capable of doing all sorts of unsavory acts, eh? Follow me by clicking here.

 

Three Great Speeches That You May Never Have Seen.

Stephen Fry Speaks Out Against the Catholic Church

The reason I started this post was because I just witnessed something a little special by the legend that is Stephen Fry. In my opinion he is one of Britain’s brightest minds and if he put himself up for election tomorrow I would not not only vote for him but I would drive his election bus; but the bloke is far too clever for politics. He thinks and delivers in a way that you rarely see and he is an inspiration. A friend once described him as, “Absolutely gigantically brained and a very funny man of genius and classic British understatement. He has the best turn of phrase since Winston Churchill and does a great line in filthy humour too. The man is an institution.”
And here he is single-handedly blowing away the draconian Catholic Church… And don’t forget to click on part two as it gets better.

1. Stephen Fry on Catholicism

In 1992, at a time when I was more concerned with crisping my hair into a flammable state with VO5 or selecting C&A’s finest in ski jackets and stone washed denim, a little girl stood up and gave the grown ups something to think about. With a prophecy that is now only just being echoed by the rest of the world, this little girl had her head screwed on properly…

2. The Girl That Silenced The World For 5 Minutes

We don’t often hear soldiers speaking out. If you join the army you tend to be all for what the government throws your way – if indeed you have a choice. So it was refreshing to hear Mike Prysner back from his call of duty with some alternative words about his experience. Warning, hairs on back of neck may rise…

3. Mike Prysner on the War in Iraq.

 

The Teachings of Christ. Illuminating.

 

Anything But England Coming Home With A Trophy Will Do!

 

Just Ask Delbert Grady From The Shining.

Ask decided to plant one of their not-so under the radar “we will control your browser whether you like it or not” home page/search whatjamicallits on BOTH my browsers today (those sneaky installation check boxes get through from time to time). So not only did I get a surprise when I went to my home page but I received a cold shudder down my spine when I noticed the creepy ex-caretaker ghost character from The Shining, Delbert Grady was coldly staring back at me. Scared the life out of me! Click on the pic for a closer look…

Ask Jeeves Butler is Delbert Grady From The Shining.

Here is Jeeves, err I mean Grady in action…

 

The Fourteen Biggest Laugh Out Loud Movie Moments… Probably

Give it a thumbs up on stumbleupon if you appreciate this. Luverly.

Wake Up Ron Burgundy – Falafel Scene

Incredibly, there are still Anchorman fans out there who aren’t aware of this film that was filmed in conjunction and fashioned together with extra scenes and bonus script. So, you may not be aware of the funniest scene in my opinion of both those movies…

Team America: World Police – Fight Scene

I could have made the entire list from Team America scenes but elected to go with this ridiculously lame fight scene that had me crying. The dramatic music adds to it perfectly…

Hot Fuzz – Fence Scene

This and the ice cream brain freeze scene had me in tears…

Superbad – Dick Problem Scene

So wrong yet so utterly hilarious…

Top Secret – De Ja Vu Sneezes Scene

The movie is a little on the dated side these days but this scene still does it for me…

Monty Python’s The Life of Brian – Pre-Crucifixion Scene

The Pythons were way ahead of their time and this movie would go down just as well today as it did back in the seventies. Just wish they were all still doing it…

Monty Python’s Holy Grail – The Knights Who Say Ni Scene

Original bonkers humour. No rhyme or reason whatsoever…

Napoleon Dynamite – Sweet Jumps Scene

Short, sweet and a perfect sum up of Napoleon’s fortunes…

The Producers – Yesssssssss? Scene

I went to the movie based purely on this clip in a trailer making me laugh hard. Unfortunately on watching the flick at the pictures I remained in my seat for the rest of the film.

Bruce Almighty – News Reading Scene

Couldn’t find an embeddable one so click on it and it’ll take you off to youtube, but it’ll be worth it. Steve Carell at his zany best…

Borat – Deleted Cheese Scene

The whole film is great but I am amazed they left this gem out…

Naked Gun 2 1/2 – Ding Dong the Witch is Dead Scene

I was gonna leave it out as I couldnt track down an English version, but I thought no, it deserves to be in here – even in Spanish!

Talladega Nights – Ricky’s Hands Scene

The unmedia-trained Ricky doesn’t quite know how to deal with the interview…

Touching the Dyke – Simon’s Down Scene

A little known made for the internet film all made up on the spot. Currently filming an Adventure Men series which will no doubt take off

Me on Twitter

 

The Ghost of Michael Jackson… You have to be kidding me…

The fickle, blood thirsty media go deep into the Neverland crypt, only to discover…

Twitter me
Read my staggeringly interesting blogs
My Site
…and remember I only blog to get people to watch this hilarious mockumentary, so bloody well watch it… Touching the Dyke

 

Top Five Blog Posts That I Really Should Write But Can’t Be Arsed To

There is loads of things I should write about and get off my chest but simply don’t have the impetus to actually write. I started two just a minute ago but a paragraph in I simply huffed and deleted them. Thinking up quirky and interesting intro’s and maintaining humour and charisma throughout is something that my hungover brain simply cannot cope with right now. So, fitting in with the current media world of lists, para-phrasing and bullet points, I give to you my Top Five Blog Posts That I Want To Write But Can’t Be Arsed To Do… Ahem…

1. The Michael Jackson Bandwagon.
Seriously I have never seen a more extreme example of how hypocritical the world can be. Granted a lot of people have maintained a love for all things Jackson throughout his crazy and madcap career but one glance at Twitter, Facebook and of course the hypocrites in the media and the newspapers shows you one thing – people are fickle! For the past fifteen years people have slated Jackson, called him a sicko and pretty much insisted that jail would be too good for him. And now the very people and reporters that, just a week ago, would have described him as a sick freak are now banging on about how the world will never be the same again. I find it utterly abhorrent and I really ought to write a post about it… umm..!

2. Quirky Advertisements With Lenka Style Music.
I’m sure that there is some fashionable and “in” name for the whole genre within the advertising industry but I’ll just call it pretentious. If I remember rightly Apple started it. An original and quirky advertising campaign created by their inventive agency. A soft and original voice sang a quirky little number to some jerky yet pleasing to eye animation. A few years down the line every bastard brand is at it with plinky plonk pianos and unusual looking girls gazing quizzically at giant rodents on space hoppers or whatever lurking within every commercial break. Enough already!

3. Adult Contemporary Hip Hop.
There is a whole generation of us who grew up with hip hop and who find it hard to relate to the R&B, grunk & grime and majority of hip hop being put out currently. We grew up during a golden era and D-Nice and Doitall coined the term “Adult Contemporary Hip Hop” in an interesting interview. It sums up and classifies a music still loved passionately by many from the golden age of the late 80′s and early 90′s and I am thankful that we can put a hat on it.

4. Zeitgeist: Addendum
If you are ever sceptical at the world, it’s politics and the way that we lead our lives in conjunction with how the powers that be want us to lead our lives then let me stoke your fires of frustration a little further by insisting that you watch this free to view film, Zeitgeist: Addendum. Quite simply it’s ground breaking and not interested in profit so it is free to view. It lifts the lid on things that quite simply need to be at the fore of every humans conscience. Watch it this afternoon, it is your duty!

5. R&B “Artists” & Vocoders.
Seriously, in a few years time we will look back at this joke genre of music and piss ourselves. It is soul destroying and an insult to the term R&B and the music that has gone before. T-Pain parodies himself nicely in The Lonely Island‘s brilliant I’m On A Boat, but seriously I fear he may be too thick to see it’s a piss take out of him and his colleagues!

That is all. One day i’ll write blogs on these subjects…

Twitter http://twitter.com/roskopeeko

 

Wasting the Time of One Mark Smith

You may have read my wind up of a chap calling himself Charles Harwood, Esq (see: Wasting the Time of One Charles Harwood Esq) Well, the suckers keep trying to tempt me in with emails promising riches beyond my wildest dreams… Read on.

mark smith wrote:
Good day,
I hope this e-mail meets you in good health and spirits I am MARK SMITH.. A supervisor of wildlife research institute United Kingdom. I want to book dinner for a group of workers. We are 10 in number and will be coming for dinner in your place.
ARRIVAL DATE: 1ST JUNE 2009
(Arriving time is not certain but they would dinner for 4 nights)
DEPARTURE DATE: 5TH JUNE 2009
DINNER TIME : 7:00 PM EACH DAY
As i do not know what the guests might choose for their mealsand drinks i will make a pre-payment of GBP 850 POUNDS.
Thank you for your kind help in advance.
Kind Regards,
Mark Smith
United Kingdom.

roskolewis wrote:
Hi Mark, yes we have been expecting you please go ahead and make the payment on our website and we look forward to seeing you when you get here,
Yours, Ross Slaughter

Mark Smith wrote:
Hello,
Good to read from you.I will send to you my Visa credit card details that will cover the cost of our booking,and the necessary arrangement for the guests.Moreover,we also made an arrangement with a logistics agent who will take care of all the guests logistics to include. 1) Accommodation 4)Transportation logistics during their stay. However,because of security reasons and confidentiality reposed on you and because they do not have credit card facility, we have decided that only YOU will have to handle the credit card information. So,once you receive my visa card account information, you are required to charge the total amount of {GBP 6,250} then deduct your deposit which is {GBP 850 } and send the balance of {GBP 5,400} to the logistics agent whose information will be forwarded to you once this is confirmed. N.B: All checks and balances will be made with you on 5th JUNE 2009 which is the final day of
the booking. So confirm this and provide me with your
1. YOUR FULL NAME………………..
2. ADDRESS………………………………….
3. MOBILE PHONE NUMBERS………………….
for office records. You are also to deduct the visa fees and taxes involved in processing this amount.PLEASE CONFIRM IF THIS ARRANGEMENT IS OK AND REPLY PROMPTLY TO ENABLE US PROCEED. Kind Regards,
Mark Smitt
60, Rumford Rd,
E15 4BZ , London,
United Kingdom.
+447031873402

roskolewis wrote:
Oh, I thought you were turning up tomorrow night.
Regarding the Armitage Bladder that we discussed on the phone the other day, do you want it in purple or monkfish colour. Also you touched on the subject of coming to the felching party – do you still want to go ahead with this? As I said, go to the website that you have used for all the relevant details Mark. Did you need some kind of help here? Are you still coming?

Mark Smith wrote:
/Hello/*
*/ With my respond i want to reasure you that I have confirmd
my bookings on the said dates 01/06/09 to 05/06/09 that means 4
nights so i will want you to make sure that you make every
arranagement to make sure that you reserve that space for us
which
you already known that we are a group of 10 which is made
up 10 adults /*
*/ So once more am very happy for your offer and also am
requsting for you to provide me with the information below
so that
i will send you a detail information containing my credit card
details for charging /*
*/ So the information that are required from you are stated as
follows /*
*/1YOUR FULL NAME
2. ADDRESS
3. MOBILE PHONE NUMBERS/*
*/ Once the information above is received i will forward my credit card details to you

roskolewis wrote:
Mark, what is going on here, you asked for my address last
time we spoke. Is everything okay? When we spoke on the phone did you say you liked drinking “vinegar stroke juice?” I need to know in order to organise the reception drinks for when your team arrive. Do you need anything else? I would imagine having deposited your funds you will need some money from me, yes? That is clearly how these bookings work isn’t it?

My full name and address is:

Ross Slaughter,
Larry Hagman House,
Bendolin Road,
Jellyfields,
East Bumbaclaart
T05 SER

Mark, can you confirm that you and your team are definitely up for
the felching party as I need to get the numbers down soon!

Yours thankingly,
Ross Slaughter

Mark Smith wrote:
Hello
I would like you to please kindly confirm the following steps for me. Upon the reciept of your confirmation I will send the details of my credit card for you to charge accordingly.
All you are required to do is :
1. As soon as you recieve the credit card details you are
required to charge the card for the total amount of GBP 6,250 + bank charges.
2. Once this is done and confirmed in your account, you simply
deduct the deposit of GBP 850 for your services and then
3. send the balance GBP 5,400 to the Logistic agent to enable
him conclude all traveling/accommodation arrangement. His information will be forwarded to you alongside the credit card
information.The balance includes the transfer charges via SWIFT bank or western union money transfer.
You are also to deduct the fees and taxes involved in processing this amount form the credit card details
4.. Prepare all invoice in my name.
PLEASE CONFIRM IF THIS ARRANGEMENT IS OK AND REPLY PROMPTLY TO ENABLE US PROCEED.
Kind Regards,
Mark Smith
+447031873402.

Subject: Re: CONFIRM THIS ……………….
To: “Mark Smith”
Date: Thursday, April 9, 2009, 4:16 PM

Mark, why are you not answering my questions?!?
Do you want “Vinegar Stroke Juice” and do you want to come to the Felching Party?!?! Once you have confirmed this I will deposit the funds!

Mark Smith wrote:
Hello
Many thanks for your email and also for the reservations me and my group,we will be very happy to spend the short while dinning at your place I want to confirm that i will be wanting the “Vinegar Stroke Juice” and also will be attending Felching Party so i want you to get back to me once you receive my email so that i will be sending you my credit card details for charging, I will want to remind you that you should note that my group is made up distinguish gentle men and ladies so we should be treated at such I will want an email from you urgently to confirm that you have received my email so that i will send provide my credit card details in my next email
Mark Smitt
60, Rumford Rd,
E15 4BZ , London,
United Kingdom
+447031873402

That’s fantastic Mark, I look forward to having a felching good time with you and watching you gulp my very own Vinegar Stroke Juice – full of protein! Anyway, I don’t know why we are talking about money as you paid me up front over the phone remember silly? Anyway, despite the fact that you have already paid me money for staying in my Hotel, Hotel Clagnuts, when do you want me to deposit lots and lots of money with you for no apparent reason Mark?
Ross Slaughter

… I could bait Mark Smith no more. I think he smelt a rat with that last email.

Rosko